Ever wonder where that voice inside your head comes from? Is it your conscience (a favourite when I grew up in a Catholic household) or maybe it's a friend helping you through the day, or your inner sabatoeur, or a combination or GAWD forbid - several voices?!
Line four of a post and I'm already sounding like a craaaaazy lady. So, what prompted the question was the reality that the dialogue that's been going on inside my head for the last few days is far different to the previous weeks chatter. This week 'I am a publishing phenomenon' is my mantra. A few weeks ago, 'What's The Point' were my words of the day. Which of course has prompted me to ask why?
Weeks ago, I took yet another sojourn down the avenue of self doubt, intent on convincing myself that I am not worthy. Of hair products or publication. I visit there regularly, each time as unpleasant if not more so than the last. And I always come through it.
I have to be careful here - I'm not talking anything like real depression, which thankfully I've never suffered with - I'm talking about volunteering myself into a hole and deciding for some perverse reason that I quite like it there. Now that the fog has lifted and I'm 'home' again, I can't help wondering what I gain from this tiring procedure. When I'm there, I'm miserable and uninspired,and if I wrote everything down that gets said in my head I could provide copy to the Grumpy Old Women tour for years to come! I tell myself regularly to get a grip - there are people out there with real problems and I have a blessed life. But then I hear one of the voices, Lucy Fir, squealing Yada Yada Yada... Often another voice drowns Lucy out, let's call her Reason. She silences Lucy with wise words and can be heard encouraging me home while Lucy sulks.
She's been quiet for days now and I can feel my lips curve upwards again. I'm back writing and rather than tell myself I AM NEVER GOING BACK THERE I'm actually coming to the conclusion that yes, there is a pay off for the miserable process. And that is that to be a writer, to move or empower people with your words, I believe you have to feel emotions which means feeling tired, miserable, solitary, sad, self doubting, as well as the more uplifting joys life has to offer.
I've come to the conclusion that I do this because I need to. In expressing self doubt, I'm understanding what it feels like. In coming though it, I'm convinced with the aid of the kinder voices in my head that I am talented and worthy and I feel that too.
In short, I guess what I'm trying to say is these feelings aren't forgotten. Together with shiny happy feelings, they too are filed for use in a future story, to help in creating believable characters.
Line four of a post and I'm already sounding like a craaaaazy lady. So, what prompted the question was the reality that the dialogue that's been going on inside my head for the last few days is far different to the previous weeks chatter. This week 'I am a publishing phenomenon' is my mantra. A few weeks ago, 'What's The Point' were my words of the day. Which of course has prompted me to ask why?
Weeks ago, I took yet another sojourn down the avenue of self doubt, intent on convincing myself that I am not worthy. Of hair products or publication. I visit there regularly, each time as unpleasant if not more so than the last. And I always come through it.
I have to be careful here - I'm not talking anything like real depression, which thankfully I've never suffered with - I'm talking about volunteering myself into a hole and deciding for some perverse reason that I quite like it there. Now that the fog has lifted and I'm 'home' again, I can't help wondering what I gain from this tiring procedure. When I'm there, I'm miserable and uninspired,and if I wrote everything down that gets said in my head I could provide copy to the Grumpy Old Women tour for years to come! I tell myself regularly to get a grip - there are people out there with real problems and I have a blessed life. But then I hear one of the voices, Lucy Fir, squealing Yada Yada Yada... Often another voice drowns Lucy out, let's call her Reason. She silences Lucy with wise words and can be heard encouraging me home while Lucy sulks.
She's been quiet for days now and I can feel my lips curve upwards again. I'm back writing and rather than tell myself I AM NEVER GOING BACK THERE I'm actually coming to the conclusion that yes, there is a pay off for the miserable process. And that is that to be a writer, to move or empower people with your words, I believe you have to feel emotions which means feeling tired, miserable, solitary, sad, self doubting, as well as the more uplifting joys life has to offer.
I've come to the conclusion that I do this because I need to. In expressing self doubt, I'm understanding what it feels like. In coming though it, I'm convinced with the aid of the kinder voices in my head that I am talented and worthy and I feel that too.
In short, I guess what I'm trying to say is these feelings aren't forgotten. Together with shiny happy feelings, they too are filed for use in a future story, to help in creating believable characters.
Or maybe I'm just being self indulgent?!
Do shut up Lucy...
7 comments:
Not self-indulgent at all. I think it's normal, in my experience.
What makes you a 'real writer' is that you keep bouncing back, and like you said I think we need those 'down' times to take stock and help us decide that, yes, actually, this is what we want to do in spite of all the messed up bits :o)
And you're definitely worth it!
I'm not sure how I missed this post, so sorry for coming to it so late.
I agree with what Karen said. I also had a particularly bad time when going through my divorce a few years ago and my mother said, "Remember how you feel?" So, thinking she was a little mad, I asked why and she said that if I remember the emotion, it won't be wasted and I can always write about it at another time. Wise words ones I try to remember at trying times. x
Oh, it must be a "Debs thing" - I thought I'd already said something here - whoops. And I'm also with Debs on the sentiments of 'what doesn't kill you makes great material'. And The Doldrums must be a place writers generally inhabit at times - it'd be nice to find a decent drinking hole whilst we're there, wouldn't it?
I agree, it's very difficult to put real feeling into your writing, if you don't know what it feels like! Self-doubt isn't always a bad thing either - I find once I get past the 'everything I've written is rubbish' stage I do notice the bits that can be improved.
I'm now wondering what my Lucy is called!
HI girls and as ALWAYS thank you for your comments.
I really needed to read this today. I hit a bit of a slump this week. I have the voice droning on at me. I am only publicly admitting to one! I think I will name it. Why not, I named my computer and my Ipod! Maybe the voice would take a holiday if I gave it a name. Thanks for a very helpful post.
Denise, it was in the naming of the shrew that I've helped control her!
Ann, I've just given Lucy Fir obligatory time off for bad behaviour. Good luck with the name!
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